I'm emotional today. Not depressed. Emotional. Maybe it's that I read a friend's blog and absolutely marveled at her honesty throughout each post. Every time I had a spare five minutes today I would go back and read another entry. I was in awe of how open she was. It wasn't at all trivial or minor. It was all her stuff. The kind of stuff a person likes to keep close or hidden. As I'm reading I keep thinking to myself, "I used to babysit this girl and now I feel like she is more grown up and mature than me...she is so self aware, it's lovely". I have gone around and around the topic of transparency in my mind. Sometimes it seems like I only write when I'm emotional, but then I only write when it's a positive emotion. Sometimes I feel like I have the "Pollyanna Blog". That frustrates me. Life is not perfect, I know I'm the farthest thing from perfect. Sometimes I feel like I use the backspace more than I type and post. Often I sensor, consider who might be reading it, who could possibly take offense, who might judge, or somehow think less of me. Why is it that I am so touched and impressed by her, but don't think it's ok for me to do the same. Maybe I'm not confident it would read at all like hers does to me.
Vulnerable. That's the word I would have thought best described how I feel in most relationships. Then I thought maybe tentative. So then I look them up in the dictionary.
a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.
b. Susceptible to attack
c. Open to censure or criticism; assailable.
1. Not fully worked out, concluded, or agreed on.
2. Uncertain; hesitant
Hmmm....maybe...I don't know. Even as I write I am beating myself up. "Who writes when they don't even know their own thoughts and feelings?"
All I know, is that today was a good day. I had a fun play date with friends, had great chats on the phone, missed my kids, had a nice evening with my husband. There was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, nothing to ruffle my feathers, and yet I still feel like a bunch of stuff stirring just under the surface...not to worry folks, in my professional opinion I would guess that's where it will stay (under the surface). I ask myself, "will there ever come a time when you will come to a place of acceptance that it's just feelings and you're allowed to have them". Oh, how I wish I was thick-skinned. I wish I felt comfortable with "anger feelings". Sometimes I feel like I'm not even "allowed" to do sad for too long for fear I will look like I have a bad or negative attitude.
In so many ways, last year was one of the best of my life. But, if I know anything about myself it's that I don't do change very well. Last year everything changed. Some of that has made me very sad. Left me feeling tentative...vulnerable.
Then I stumbled upon this quote and thought it was so incredibly beautiful. It made me cry.
But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859
So, hopefully you didn't stop here tonight for your weekly pick-me-up, or feel good moment. Today it's just babble...at least it was honest. Guess I will just bring it to the One I know can help me with it.
My favorite find of the week...........
Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God’s grace.
- Jerry Bridges -